I have grown tired of my stories. I may have shared them intensely with over two dozen people in my life. My narrations have become dull, devoid of life. Though I have little to say to people, I'd still love to hear their stories.
A good life to me meant doing what I loved. But it is awfully hard to know what you truly love. I loved watching films. I even had the qualities of a good filmmaker. But sustained failures, inherent fear, shortage of confidence and a barrage of conflicts drained me. I was mentally engaged in more than my shares of battles. No one told me that when you engage in multiple battles you need to be charged to be victorious. And, being charged is not inevitable. I grew up with sayings such as "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." and "Never give up." Long battles can twist your perception of the world. The world outside can appear to be in a constant state of battle. But the battle is more internal than external. But don't over simplify it. Changing a point of view isn't easy especially when your life has hung over it.
My own film was shot but never made. I thought it was due to lack of money. That was only the partial truth. Extraordinary challenges demand extraordinary ideas. And extraordinary ideas demand a clear head. And, this wasn't obvious to me. Apart from my battle to get my film edited and my efforts to make a living, I was engaged in bitter fights with insecure filmmaker friends or acquaintances whom I assisted. I could have easily given up on their films but my own sense of propriety made me hang on. I worked in the face of abuse and broke down several times. These filmmakers have later realized and acknowledged the extent of my contribution to their work but needless conflict left me drained. It left my mind in turmoil.
I never entered into projects with these filmmaker friends and acquaintances expecting to be drained. So entering a battle unknowingly isn't an extraordinary situation. The smart thing to do when in battle is to focus on keeping a clear head. If it means getting out of meaningless battles, so be it. Even though I hung on till almost the end, it served me no good. I'll never work with those people again. And, it also damaged my relationships with them. Most importantly I was severely drained of energy. My advice to other people who are in many battles will be to get rid of the unnecessary battles and two - use the strategy of engaging and disengaging with your enemy.
To make a living, I had to turn to my experience at content writing. My abilities may have been above average. But compared to filmmaking, where my mind had a 360 deg view, in content writing, I worked with my blinkers on. I decided not to work from office. For a writer, an office environment is filled with distractions and it's a waste of time. Freelance work comes with its own pitfalls. I have often got work because someone messed the writing badly or there is a rush to meet some unrealistic deadlines. Unrealistic because companies don't want to pay you for the effort or they want a scapegoat for a mismanaged deadline. So freelance work is tough and fraught with broken commitments and unpaid payments. I often feel quite numb and empty. I have no energy to tell stories. I am back to being an introvert.
I never entered into projects with these filmmaker friends and acquaintances expecting to be drained. So entering a battle unknowingly isn't an extraordinary situation. The smart thing to do when in battle is to focus on keeping a clear head. If it means getting out of meaningless battles, so be it. Even though I hung on till almost the end, it served me no good. I'll never work with those people again. And, it also damaged my relationships with them. Most importantly I was severely drained of energy. My advice to other people who are in many battles will be to get rid of the unnecessary battles and two - use the strategy of engaging and disengaging with your enemy.
To make a living, I had to turn to my experience at content writing. My abilities may have been above average. But compared to filmmaking, where my mind had a 360 deg view, in content writing, I worked with my blinkers on. I decided not to work from office. For a writer, an office environment is filled with distractions and it's a waste of time. Freelance work comes with its own pitfalls. I have often got work because someone messed the writing badly or there is a rush to meet some unrealistic deadlines. Unrealistic because companies don't want to pay you for the effort or they want a scapegoat for a mismanaged deadline. So freelance work is tough and fraught with broken commitments and unpaid payments. I often feel quite numb and empty. I have no energy to tell stories. I am back to being an introvert.
At the age of 46, it's too early settle for life devoid of excitement. Giving in is okay till you fill up the energy jar. So I have created some guidelines for myself.
- REFILL the energy jar.
- Take ONE step at a time. Only carry the burden of one step at a time.
- INTERACT, be social even if it doesn't seem natural. Human DNA is social. Not interacting is an invitation to death.
- Keep SEARCHING for things you love. Make them manifest. Don't hang on to them if they drop off.
- When in battle, focus on keeping a CLEAR head.
- If you're low on energy and need to engage in battles, then fight GUERRILLA wars. Don't bother about the labels people will thrust on you to drag you out.
- CONTAIN your energy to fight the right battles.
- Live for YOURSELF first, then your families; not restricted to immediate family- more like people who give you the required security. Don't value shareholders and company coffers too much unless they are truly like family and know you and care enough about you.
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