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Jogging Memories

I don't say this as a problem...

I don't remember much beyond yesterday or hope for something that lies ahead.

I know I went for a film last evening. Yet I couldn't remember, pat, which one. I had to jog my memory. So in addition to my opening lines, I decided to write 'I don't remember which movie I saw last evening.' Just between that moment and me actually starting to write it down, the face of the actress from last night's film started fading in. I remembered a shot of her in a jungle... a bluish frame... and I immediately remembered the film 'Commando'. Remembering has become a conscious process. Life wasn't like that a couple of years ago.

I know because I read (studied) films through a lens of passion. I understood who did what before even seeing the credits. I would know the fulfillment potential of a movie by the mix of artistes and technicians working on it. But now I don't really remember enough to care about it. I would have liked to remember because of how much I enjoyed films. I know I said 'enjoyed' as in the past. Earlier I had hope for even the shitty films. I looked for sparks of genius-maybe a few scenes, maybe an execution of a thought or even some detailing or music. Today I have no tolerance for wasting my time. I may do the same thing I did earlier in trying to support new filmmakers and discovering them for myself on celluloid. But it's only routine.

Earlier I walked in with hope and walked out in disappointment-sometimes I was surprised or delighted. Each time there was a myriad of feelings-good or bad. Now it's like a walk to the cemetery. This is not to say films have gotten worse. No way! Shimit Amin, Habib Faizal, Dibakar Banerjee, Anuraag Kashyap, Zoya Akhtar, Aamir Khan, Ranbir Kapoor, Amit Trivedi, Nishikant Kamat, AR Rehman, Vishal Bharadwaj (I am losing patience with his films these days.), Abhay Deol, Vidya Balan, Irfaan Khan, Huma Qureshi, Manoj Bajpai, Abhishek Kapoor, Nawazuddin Siddiqui,... the list is endless. I can go on and on. Yet I can't step into a theatre hoping that one of them would have a release that week. They are incestuous people, who work with each other... and have releases once in a while. Maybe I have also lost patience towards films. Or maybe my ambition to make films is hibernating or dying. I hardly want to be seeing or discussing Table 21. Let me be. I saw it. Didn't I? Let's leave it at that.

Getting back to what I started writing about.. not that I have any complaints about my memory. The systems around me 'remind me' about what I need to do. It's a bit strange compared to earlier. But I don't seem to or want to care. Some days I ponder about it, even feel sad (I don't even know what I have to be sad about :D) and then poof it's gone.

Sometimes I think 'Isn't this what I have been yearning for all my life-living in the moment, being present?' It comforts me. Yes! But it still feels strange at times nevertheless.

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