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A Low Heart Beat

I woke up this morning and got down to making tea as usual. As I stood by the stove while the milk boiled, I noticed my fainter heart beat. It beat so softly as if afraid of disturbing others with its presence. Thud.. skip, thud... skip... thud... skip... thud... skip... That beat wasn't a stranger to me and it always came with another guest-fear.

I noticed ma enter the kitchen as she made her way to the sink. I wished her "Good morning" and gave her a hug with feeling. She said "Thank you" awkwardly. It was not consistent with what we usually do with each other-we beat each other up with un-called for advice and suggestions.

Fear has been a regular visitor at my doorsteps. I always put on a brave face, growl at her and shoo her away. But that's exactly what she wants to see. When I put on a brave face, she instantly realizes that I am afraid. Why else would I need to put on a face? Pleased, she laughs as I shoo her away, fully knowing that my actions are mere postures and that she has a secured place in my heart.

Today, I remembered what Ganoba Date said weeks ago - "Meditate. Do nothing. Watch what's going on quietly." Not the exact words, but something to that effect, I think.

Usually when my heart beats slows down or skips a beat, I know right away who is coming. I go crazy over how to get rid of it. I don't want to succumb to fear. So I do a million things-mindless perhaps-to shoo her away. While that happens, life comes to a stand still, paralysed. Then, I want to be left alone. I don't want to deal with who is going to pick up the clothes or whether I will actually wash the clothes today or not or whether my story is going anywhere or not. I am already feeling like shit and I don't want to see myself as an errand boy at that time, which I do, instinctively.

There is a conflict within me-between who I want to be and who I am at my raw centre. I want to see anything as doable-any profession, any task, anything and so I give it a shot. I don't want to look down on anything. Over a period of time, with the help of my actions, I have gotten comfortable with those tasks and things I want to be or do. There is no conflict between what I am doing and what I feel about it. But some day, the old conflicting emotion rears up and tsunamis away what I have done. The steps I have taken, the shots I have given, seem useless... for that one day; usually.

Sometimes (4-5 times a year), it goes on for a few days and I am at a loss as to what I must do. I can only divert my mind, akin to sweeping it under the carpet, which I find useless at most times. With time and experience I have found out that that fear just goes away by itself just the way she came; out of nowhere and into nowhere.

Today was slightly different. I wasn't paralysed, when she came. I was able to say "Good morning", hug, meditate for a few minutes. I can't say how the rest of the day will be. But so far, it has been better than most.

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